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Ugly...Almost 10 days and I haven't been able to sit down and write about anything decent... I thought about posting "Today was good" type stuff to keep this page up to date, but that'd be a waste...
I have to be back into my patterns of things to do... :\
Confused and disheartened...Physics Engineer. Works as a Manager for a food chain, because it pays more money.
Geology Major. Works as a Bank Rep, because it pays more money.
Architecture Major. Works as Technical Support, because it pays more money.
Computer Engineer. Works as a Lawyer, because it pays more money.
High School Diploma. Working in a bakery instead of going to college, because it pays more money.
What is going on? The college degree is still being valued (IE: The person got "edumacated"), I have no doubt in that, but with so many people I know, they had to move outside of their field in order to stay afloat. Does that say anything? Is there something wrong with the area I live in? With the economy? With the government???
I went into this field with everything telling me that Technology is the way to go. The news was misleading. The major itself was misleading. My damn counselors were misleading. I set myself up with the false hope that college would let me lead a life where I can take care of my family. I can support them. While I'm not in the gutter, I don't know if I call what I am doing "support".
And here is the kicker. I recently found out that the cashiers that work at that local food chain, where the Physics Engineer became a manager, are making more per hour than I am. I should just quit, sit on my a$$ and reap the bigger paycheck. Yeah, Yeah, I know its not the same work but it is really disconcerting that Joe Schmoe with a high school degree is making more than I am after I went through 4 years of college. >:(
I'm off of my soap box now...
Pics up...Some camping pictures at up over at Beregond.com...
I can't believe how crappy the site looks in Firefox... Why can't CSS just be cross browser compatible??? >:(
Crap...OK. Things are going well... I'm getting "500 Internal Server Errors" everywhere... Permissions are set. Newline problems corrected. Things just seem to die or not work. But then they do work. But then they don't work. Literally. I put a cgi file in the root of this website. Runs fine in the shell. Ran it on a browser through Apache, it worked. Copied it to a folder and executed again in a browser, it didn't work. Copied it back. It didn't work. ??? Extracted a fresh copy in the folder where it didn't work before, it worked. WTF!!! Its the same damn code!!! And what errors are listed in my logs??? The wonderfully helpful "Premature end of headers" error which I am told is a catch all for perl when it has a brain fart... >:( cottages for rent Ontario The Muskokas.
I'm not liking this. Want to know what I'm doing to fix the most of errors I was getting??? I'm extracting the files again... ?!?!?!? Yeah. For every file after trying for a couple of hours to figure out what is going on, and do the above many many many many time, I just extract an original file and things automagically fix themselves. WTF would that do??? Beats the hell out of me... I even put everything in a new directory and repeated all of the above again. And again... ... And again.
Maybe its time to pursue another blog software... MT used to be so simple, easy, and very robust. Now it's flashy, has plugins galore, and does not work... :\ Anyone have any suggestions that does not involve moving my blog to Blogger or LJ???
Beregond...Its been over a month since I've posted a picture on my photoblog... All I get for traffic over there are spammed comments. I didn't want it to get that bad (the comments or the lack of pictures). I have been busy the last couple of weeks so maybe thats what has been keeping me from just getting the pictures off of my camera and onto the web... I hope that with this new move, I'll have a little more free time so I can get back to working on that hobby.
Either that or a new camera would jump-start the "need" to take pictures... :)
Belly Up...Well everything that Totem and I have planned for the past year or so has gone belly up. We have literally done a 180 on life. We've come to realization that living on our own has finally gone beond our control and is an unattainable goal at this time, even though I've thought it could be, and fought for it to be, for over a year now...
Totem is not able to work this semester. I am limited in the amount of time that I am allowed to work at my job. We cannot live, even in a new place, on my salary alone. Student loans are not an option at this point. After talking with both of our parents, and having very long talks together, we decided...
We're moving in with Totem's parents. They have a guest room in the basement that they are allowing us to live in for the next couple of months until I graduate and get a better job. This will allow us to save the money that we would be spending on rent for either a deposit for an apartment in the summer, or maybe even a down payment on a house.
This is not something we've wanted to do, but it is the only thing we can do to not get ourselves any deeper than we currently are. With both sets of parents offering rooms in their houses, we figured her parents would be least inconveniced (sp) by us because they are not currently using the guest room. Whereas if we moved in with my parents, we'd force my dad to move our of his office.
I originally was extremely bummed and depressed about all of this. I've been trying to separate myself from any attachment (financial) I've ever had. IE: Use my money to live my life. Not living off of others. All four parents realized that I have been doing this, and all have been there to talk with me and let me know how they feel. They are welcoming us into their homes with open arms. So, even though I think I will be a burden on their lives, they have reassured me that we will not be.
So while this is not the step that Totem and I wanted to take, we are very gracious for everyone helping us out. Totem and I are happy. That is what I wanted. Thank you Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad. :)
Tried... Failed... Gone...I've had some banner ads up for the last day or so and to be short... I think they all suck. They look like $hit and I'm not happy. I'll be taking them down...
Unfortunately, I haven't been having any luck with text ads either. The only reputable company that I have found that supports them is Google and they don't allow personal sites...
So for the time being, they PayPal link and the Dreamhost link will stay up (because they don't look as bad) but I don't expect anything out of them...
A Geeks Soul...I've been brooding over this story for a very long time. It's more of a tale than a rant. Something that I have just felt over a the last year. Dark, cold, true to life, depressing, and hopeful is the tale. Inspired by many things. Acwmaiden's vivid day dreams, the language that Tolkien uses in his books, the swing of emotions over the past week, the haunting dreams that have come over the last two months, and the resolve of people that I once knew... Do not read this. You have been warned...
Opening its eyes, the soul did not know where it came from, what it was doing, or what had happened. All it knew was that laying down and looking up into the bright hot sun was the only memory, past and present, that it had. The soul was whithered and weak, laying almost as if thrown on the ground of hot white sand. When looking around all it at first noticed was an endless desert. No features, no details. A barren landscape in all directions.
Slowly it realized that bound around each of its limbs was a very thick and sturdy rope. Being too frail, the soul did not even try to remove them. Poised as if making a snow angel in the sand, its limb were drawn outwards in four directions by the tension from the rope. Soon after, the soul noticed four separate black horses at each end of the rope. Each of the horses had a body of some type standing next to it. All were different and served a different purpose. Good or bad, the soul could not guess.
As his vision cleared, the soul tried to make out each of the figures. Standing next to the horse attached to his right arm were two distinct figures. Both seemed as hollow ghosts. Outside, the shell was strong and sturdy but it was clear that both were empty. One was tall, muscular and brooding. The other, tiny and small, seeming insignificant. He soon realized what they were. The tall figure represented the soul's body. Overbearing and strong it was. Always pushing the soul towards pleasure and bodily wants without any regards to others or even itself. Empty were its eyes, not caring about what was to come or what had happened, only about what it could get. The smaller figure represented the soul's mind. Cunning and sly, smart and whitty, weak and frail were the eyes that shone out of the empty shell. It was obvious that the mind was useless without the body, but without the mind, the body was just a piece of flesh. The mind twisted and distorted the body to get what it desired. It took the body's want of pleasure and geared it towards material and intellectual things. Objects that the soul wanted and desired but had rejected because of the damage they would have done to others. Since the mind was free of the soul, it did not care anymore about others... The two stood grinning at the weak thing strewn in the sand...
Looking to the left arm and the horse that was attached to it, the soul saw a single figure with an uncountable amount of heads. Each head was distinct and different. None of them understood each other completely and few knew why they had to share the same body. For the soul it was easy. They were the friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. Each had a link to one another through him, the soul, but none of them realized it. They all stared at the soul and tried to bend their will, unsuccessfully towards the soul. None truely understood each other or the soul and that was why each failed in their attempt, though none though they were faltering. Still the stood over the soul. The pressed on and stared...
Soon the soul realized why those two were beings were attached to his arms. They wre significant in their influence over him, but not as much as the two figures that were attached to his legs, the stronger of his limbs...
On the right stood a faceless figure that was visibly old and wise. It had been through many things in its lifetime and was eager to spread its wisdom to any who would ask. Unfortunatly for the soul, once help was asked, the help would never stop. Family does not turn away easily and when it sees that a soul is suffering, they try their hardest to help. Unfortunately, they do not always see that they can cause as much harm as good when they forced their will over the soul. Still, the attempt did not stop. All the soul could sense in that direction was a deep sense of pity and disgust for some action that the soul had done but could not remember...
On the final limb, at left leg, stood a fair maiden. More beautiful than any he had ever seen. It was another soul, not a body that stood there. His soulmate. She was brighter than the sun. Sweeter than a flower, and more tender than any mother could ever hope to be to their child. He wondered why she was here. Soon, it dawned on him. She was there to stake her claim as well of him. She wanted as much part of the soul as the other three had desired, and maybe more. Her will was the strongest of all of them. She desired much between the two and might even go to an end to destroy the link that the soul had with the other figures to attain it. He knew that deep below the beautiful surface of her skin, that she could unleash a threat more deadly than he could ever imagine, if she desired it.
Lying his head back down, hope soon faded. All was lost, he began to think. Then looking up, something bright came out of the sky. What it was he could not see but suddenly he was filled with a sense that he had some control over each of the beings, even though he was in a frail state. Try he did to win influence over each... None too successful was he...
Over the body and mind he tried to fight back against all the temptation and desire the two wanted. The soul was able to unlesh a persistant pain in the head of the mind and body. They laughed because they had felt this pain before and long knew how to remedy it. When either of the two got what they desired, the pain vanished and only returned when another body wanted more control over the soul than they had...
With that he moved on to the multi-headed creature and try and mend his wounds. Before he could even speak a word, threats and taunts were sent back. The soul was sensistive and easily fell to the harsh things that were said. He was quickly reminded that even though he felt much pain, others apparently suffered more or so they wanted it to seem that while. Other tried to give the soul a mortal wound by reminding him that he was too old for his age. Making foolish decisions that were best left for time to make, rather than making them now and skipping out on so much experience... Since the soul could not remember before this time, he was not sure what they meant as every soul charts their own path... None the less, he was still stricken with a great sorrow that he could not explain... His attempt to win them over utterly failed...
On to the figure of the family. Not much time or energy was spent with them because he had already guessed the answer that they would give. Everything was already done by them and they had more experience than he could ever hope. To go off on his own was to doom himself. He felt doomed anyway and tried to not heed to words they said...
He then locked eyes with the beautiful maiden that stood on his left. Staring, he tried to reason with her a way to get out of this mess. Budge she did not. Stern she stood in her ways and thoughts and would not be easily swayed from her choices... Risking his all, he triggered the threat from inside of her. Trying to reason by force, his one flaw the he thought would work but never did, he pressed his will onto her in a last attempt to sway her. It did not work and as a result, fear and terror overtook him as she seemd to grow larger every second. Looming over him, he gave up and let her will overtake him...
When all seemed lost he again leaned back and let his body go limp... He did not care anymore. He was being torn, that he could tell. When and how fast it was to happen, he did not know and he no longer cared. An eternity seemd to pass as the horses and figures loomed over him... Then suddenly, all mounted their horses at the same time. The soul tried to brace himself for a quick and sudden pain but was too weak to even muster a resistance... Then he saw that flash of light above him again... He stared at it to try and figure out what it was... His attention was not held long...
The four hourses all started to move at the same time. None ran. All slowly, as if crawling, moved outwards. The ropes tightened. A voice inside his head told him to resist and he did, for it was overpowering. Strain over took him but he held strong. Then as his body was now held above the ground, he lost control and let his resistance shrink as a spring would that is stretched took much. He gave up and again, let his body go limp...
As his body hung there for what seemed like a second eternity, he dropped his head and wished for it to all be over. Then finally, he saw what the flash of light was. Standing in front of him, was another soul. An aged one she was. Still strong in the face and resolute she seemed. Fair she was and looked to be full of wisdom.
"I'm here for you" she said. Suddenly a memory of many years passed came to his mind. He remember losing someone dear to him a long time ago and on the day of her passing, she came to him to try and comfort his sorrow. Again she said, "I'm here for you" and walked towards him. He now recognized the face of his grandmother and she came and slowly started to massage his brow. A tear fell from his dry, burning eyes...
Unexplainably, everything seemed to stop. Whether it be that he found strength in himself again to hold the ropes firm and not let them pull any more, or from the fear that each of the four bodies had that the soul still might come over them, they stopped moving.
The soul closed his eyes and continued to weep, still hovering above the ground, tense as a steel cable.
Everything went black... The soul remembered no more... Was it over, or was it beginning, he could not tell. All he knew is that his grandmother was there to comfort him. That was all he needed. He prayed that she would give him the strength to withstand it all... He then waited another eternity for the answer. Whether he ever got his wish, he nor anyone else knows. For it lies in the future that is still being determined. Nonetheless, his soul held strong, contantly under pain from the ropes, but never giving in...
I don't know the end. It hasn't come to me because I think it hasn't happened yet. I miss Nana and I still miss everything that used to be happy. I'm always in pain, but there is a tiny flicker of light at the end of the road... For I think I have taken the one less travelled by... And I am hoping that it will make all the difference...
Heavy...Everything is getting so heavy lately... School has been really hard. I've said it before, but I love it how all classes at once pile on everything at the end of the semester... Work has been ok, but there is a dark cloud looming in the distance. I've got virtually no work now because all the students are in working on their final projects. THe dark cloud is all the work that piles on instantly as we lock the doors to the computers for the summer...
Home would be nicer if I could stay there longer... :(
Need to vent...Have you ever done something that you know you needed to do, but everyone around you keeps telling you that you are a pawn or that you really don't need it? (Yeah, I know. I'm being extremely vague... Too bad.)
Here's what I mean. I think I have a problem. Lets just leave it at that, a problem. I want to fix it. I go and get help for it. Almost everyone I know is doing one of two things. Reminding me that I am either a pawn for the people that are trying to fix my problem or that I don't have a problem in the first place...
It's like I know something is wrong. But do I get help or just deal? I'm not sure what to do anymore and everyone is confusing me and making me feel worse about it...