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Geek before my time???
This has been pent up for a couple of years now. I've always keep my feelings on the issue to myself but yesterday's morning talk show on a local radio station pushed me over the edge...
Marriage at 21.
Some "girl" called in to let the hosts know that last week she talked to them about getting married. Well her boyfriend proposed and now they are. She sounded really immature (giggled and dodged all serious questions) and once the hosts found out that both she and her furutre husband still live with their parents, all of Western New York seemed to called in to tell her that she was basically dumb and shouldn't be getting married at 21. They then shifted the entire conversation away from her (rightly so, because it became one huge flame war) and went on a "Don't get married when you are 21" schpeel...
I've got a lot of opinions but I want to bring up some of the good things that the hosts and callers said. First of all, calling a radio station for "social advice" on marriage is one MAJOR indication that you are NOT ready to get married. Second, lots of women called in to say that they got married early and now they are divored with children because their husband didn't want to leave his friends behind for his marriage. They said that the husband didn't want to be married anymore and that they (the wives) were now stuck with kids. There was one (and only one for the time I listened) male caller who also said don't do it but for completely opposite reasons. He and his wife were on their own. They fincanced their own wedding and he wanted to warn her how difficult it would be to get started because of fincances... Did I mention that the girl who called in was not employed??? He asked her if she knew how much a wedding cost and she giggled... He said his beer tab alone cost him two grand and she stopped giggling...
Now for my turn... I agree. That woman who called in (IMHO) should not be getting married. She did sound more like a girl than a woman, and not just in her voice... Her language, the way she couldn't answer questions, and expecially because she couldn't defend her decision to get married. But on the other hand no one has the right to say should CAN or CANNOT get married when you choose.
Then the DJ said you should not be getting married at 21. To the audience, not the caller. And she kept saying it. Even the other DJ's got in on it. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME SO HOW CAN YOU SAY I AM TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED!?!?! I do not think 21 is too young for me. Hell, I think 23 and 24 is too old! (In the terms of you should already be married or have serious plans by then...) I have been with Totem for almost 6 years now and we have been on our own for 2. We know what life will be like when we are supporting ourselves. Trust me. We've had fights, lots of them, about finances, about family, about moving, about dying, about children, about houses, about EVERYTHING. I know of couples who breakup before they even get to the "level" of fights that we have gotten to.
I got extremely upset when the female host of the show started to act like that girls mother and told her to get away from her fiancee. They even started to trash talk him without getting him on the phone to defgend himself (because it was obvious that his fiancee was not going to). Then the girl's real mother got on the phone and the DJ kept at it!!! Its like she was come all know all of everything... But then everyone else started to chime in. At least five women said that their husbands left them because they didn't want to be married anymore and now they are stuck with the kids. The wives said their husbands wanted to be with their friends and at parties and socializing and drinking more than with their wife and kids...
So when I finally got around to ignoring the host and listening to the callers, I started to think. Friends. I have them and I've had them for a long time. Why would that stop my marriage? Totem has no problems with me spending time with my friends and I don't have a problem with her spending time with hers. Even of the opposite gender. My best friend is female and hers is male. And we know that we talk about personal things with our friends too (marriage, children, finances, life, etc...). Neither of us have a problem with it. Were all these women too insecure or not trusting of their husband? Whats the problem with being married and having a social life?
Drinking. I don't do it much so I guess I have missed that boat. Good.
The other point was the children... How can a husband bring a child into the world and then ignore them??? I can't wait to have children. Everyone who knows me knows that. Totem wants them too. Everyone whos knows her knows that as well. How could either of us bring a child into the world and then just discard them because they are an inconvenience??? A child, AN INCONVENIENCE?!?!?! WTF!!!! I'll never understand fathers who don't play a part in their childs life. I couldn't have gotten anywhere without my Dad. Same goes for the mother. I know of many mothers who wouldn't give a $hit about their child if friends came over. I also know of a couple of Moms who WON'T let the child's father play a role in his/her life. (Which I think is one of the worst punishments you can give to a willing father, IMO. Law is working its way into this couple's life BTW to fix this problem...) So this is not a felling I get towards a father. Its a feeling I get towards a parent...
But why I'm wondering if it is before my time is because I don't know if I missed something. My parents where on their own when they were my age. So were Totems. We've lived together for two years. We've fought and struggled together. We've loved each other for six. Thats more than some marriages even last... So why is it such a problem for the public to see that we are getting married, and that we WANT to? Totem wants a family and I want a family. She'd love to become a housewife and teach music lessons out of our home and I'd love to be there supporting them. Why is this wrong only because I am 21 (22 at the marriage)??? What is the problem with getting married early?
Some people have told me that it is the experience... The experience of what? Sleeping around?!?!? I've found the woman I love. Why can't I just have her??? By living together we know what life is going to be like and how hard it is. Trust me. There was a time where we went a month on nothing but credit and canned goods... On the other hand, we survived. It made us stronger.
Other people tell me that by having kids young, I am cutting my life short... How? So I don't get to go on a MAJOR vacation for a decade or two. Big woop... I'd rather be in my forties and truely ENJOY my vacation knowing my kids are in college, then have a little fun now and watch my kids in college when I am in my late fifties or sixties...
Still others have said we are making a mistake because Totem and I have never dated before we met each other. You don't believe in true love? That's fine. Because I do. I wouldn't be getting married to my soul mate if I didn't...
I guess that my whole point is that this was our choice. If you don't like it or if you yourself didn't make it because you married young, then good or bad for you. I'm sorry. I don't think anyone has the right to tell me what I can or cannot do except me. Especially when I have my heart set on it and I know it is the right thing to do...
Posted by Geek at March 9, 2004 08:31 AMTrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.unknowngeek.com/mt-tb.cgi/635
I love you Andy, I know you think this was directed toward us but it really wasn't. We are probably ten times more mature then that girl that called in. We have been through more things in our relationship than some people go through in their entire marriage. Here's the list Nana, Grandpa, Nanna, Surgury for you and for me last september, car accident for you and a flipped car for me, family issues and more...
I think that you can tell when someone is not ready to get married and it is pretty apparent that the girl on the radio wasn't. If someone asked me why I am marring you I would say" Because he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning, because he is my best friend and my soulmate and because I LOVE HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPLAIN!! We made the choice to get married together don't let anyone else tell you what to do. YOu never know they could be getting married because she is pg. That's why I try to tell you not to worry about what other people think of what we are doing becuase you are going to have a degree and a job by the time we get married. Just remember what we discussed about the kids, it will happen when god wants it to.
Remember that I love you no matter what anyone says or does. We will be a family and a good one at that.
Totem:)
Posted by: totem at March 9, 2004 10:25 AM
I have never met you and your girl friend so I can't really say anything about the two of you but from what I have read, you seem to be pretty mature. Unfortunately you are part of a minority of the people who are of your age and want to get married. You are not getting married to escape the parents or because you think that getting married is ultimate goal in life (without realising what happens after you get married). And you know what happens to a small minority... Don't take it personal.
About kids. Hey, it's what you find more important in life. I am in my 30s and I am getting married next year for the first and final time ;) and I am not a father yet but that will change (I hope). Although I am might be 'old' I would never have done it any other way. The last 15 years I did so many different things. Things that have changed my life a lot. Things I could not have done if I had been a daddy. Fortunately for me I never had to make a decision in my early 20s between becoming a parent or exploring life because I would not have known what I would have missed if I had become a daddy.
But again, that's just my experience. It's probably going to be completely different for you and I wish the 2 of you all the best. Just don't get a mid-life crisis ;)
Posted by: Richard at March 9, 2004 02:02 PM
I'm really happy for both of you :).. I know you guys will be fine and happy :) and I love you both very much :).
Posted by: girlgeek at March 9, 2004 04:22 PM
I have known Totem for about 20 years now, next month anyway :0). I have known you for the past 6 years. I have never known two people more in love than you two, excluding my parents. When I met you at the place we worked at as teens, ya know, as so does totem, I knew that you two were perfect for each other. you compliment each other well. And after all is said and done, I wouldnt have asked for better best friends. I know that being young, in love and broke is hard, but you'll pull through. Until july, things will be tough, and after that, it might be tougher. You and Totem can handle it. Look at the crap you've handled together so far. Nothing compares to the love of two people. I love you and Totem too much for words, and these past few months when we weren't together as friends and troublemakers, i was lonely, but know that amends have been made, I couldnt be happier. I love you both so much. Take this with stride. Only you know what is best for you and YOUR FAMILY!!!!
Posted by: lisalou1101 at March 9, 2004 04:53 PM
I am so with you guys on it. My parents were married at 21 (although I didn't come along till they were 27) And they're still (relatively) happily married.
Actually, when I realized at what age they were married at (last year) I started feeling late. But, I'm getting over that, and I will get married when the time is right for me.
And I certainly wish you guys all the luck in the world :-)
Posted by: acwmaiden at March 9, 2004 09:48 PM