Helplessness...

Have you ever felt helpless? And I mean really helpless? My girlfriend Jen has not had a good week, this past week. Thursday she was in the hospital for severe dehydration... All she could do was throw up. Water woudln't even stay down. But the sad thing about that day was I had to sit in the hospital waiting room with her for 5 and a half hours while people who came in, were walking, able to talk, and hod no apparent life threatening problems were attended to in 30 mins. I mean she only couldn't walk, she could bearly talk, and was hacking up more than just her lungs in the waiting room (not to get you sick, but when you fill up a bed pan with vomit, something is wrong). Most of the people in the waiting room agreed. The nurses didn't. >:(

Every time we asked how many were ahead of us, they lied. There are 5 people ahead of you. 8 go in. I ask again. 1 person ahead of you. 3 people go in. I ask again. 1 person ahead of you. 5 go in. OK, you say it's their right to decide who needs more care? I agree. But who is more sick? A guy who litterally jogs into the waiting room laughing and joking with the person sitting next to him or a girl who is vomiting all over the place, is crying, can't walk, and can bearly sit still from the stomach pain??? WTF IS THAT?!?!?!

Anyways, after they finally got her in, she had to wait a bit to see the doctor. By the time I go to see her they had her on an IV bag and her color was coming back... Thank god. My mom said we could be there for a long time. My cousin took 6 hours to go though one IV bag. Jen went through 2 in 30 minutes. :)

All was better that night. She slept all night for the first time in a very long time. 12 hours straight. She was good until last night. On our way home from my parents house, she complained about jaw pain. Half way back her jaw literally locked up and she started wailing in pain. Her face got tense and she started balling. I didn't know what to do... I was helpless. I couldn't do anything for her...

So I did a quick 180 and sped all the way back to my parents house. She was still crying as I carried her in when my dad came running down the stairs... We got her some ice and made her lay down for a bit. When her parents came over she calmed down and looked like she was getting better. I tried again to get her home this time. When we got home, I gave her some Nyquil and tried to get her to sleep. No luck. Instead of her jaw tightening up this time, it was her neck and shoulders. She was just laying there and I would see her toss and turn, every time her neck and shoulders tensing up. She couldn't goto sleep. Again, the pain came back along with the wailing. I don't know about you, but when someone you love starts to cry and everything you do cannot stop it, something happens in your heart. I can't explain it, only convey what I felt and maybe you have gone through it too so you know what I am talking about...

I finally asked if she wanted to goto her parents house? She calmed down a little bit and said yes. So we made the 45 minute drive at 11:00 at night to her parents house. She was almsot asleep from the nyquil when we got there. She was feeling better though. In a serious way, I thought the "I wanna be with my mommy" thing is what happened. Not because she said she wanted to be there. It's just that she has never been in this much pain in her life. Even her parents said she has never. She just wanted to be home with her parents. I was not going to argue.

Well, I'm at work right now writing this. I'm making up for the badly needed time I had to miss because the hospital trip. Anyway, I guess I had to vent. Even if no one reads this. I'm embarrassed to talk to her or my parents about this because I almost fell apart during both times... Hel, I'm embarrassed to even see them. I've been around with Jen for 4 years and her parents know me as a person. Never before have they seen me fall apart like I have this week. I just didn't know what to do. I felt and feel so small...

Camping in 3 feet of snow in a tent. Yeah, I can do that. Rescue a drowning person from a lake. Yeah, I can do that. Tie a bazillion knots to hold myself tighter to the edge of a cliff I'm climbing. Yeah, I can do that.

Stop the pain that the person I love is suffering from... I guess I couldn't do that...................